Processing

Breaking up completely sucks, there is really no other way to say it.  And while I’ve been hurt and sad (and angry, and happy, and anxious, and relieved, and relaxed, and furious, and jealous, and excited, and…) I am starting to get over it.  I don’t even know if it’s a breakup, because it’s one of those things where I said “go get your shit together, I can’t deal with how you have been treating me” I have been secretly hoping that he actually WILL get his shit together (hear that chorus of every woman, everywhere?). He told me that’s what he wants, and that he would be back once he wrapped up the other issue, and I do hope that we have a chance. I have no idea what’s going to happen, but I know that I have to treat it as though it is a final, irretrievably broken thing, otherwise I will drive myself slowly crazy.

In the meantime I have been having unexpected reactions to things.  I can be having a perfectly nice day, staying busy and seeing friends and thinking about nothing, and then out of nowhere I will have a memory triggered that makes me want to crawl in a hole and hide. I am sure it’s normal, but I’m tired of it, and the pain continues.

One thing that I want to do, however, is stop avoiding things I love because they remind me of him.  Here is a (partial) list of things that I care about – I cared about them before I loved him and I want to care about them still.

  1. U2
  • Yeah, I know everyone likes U2, but I loooooooove them.  The first U2 song I fell in love with was I Will Follow, and I was around 13.  I was immediately hooked and now a LOT of years later, I still am.  I have been to 19 U2 concerts so far and secretly believe that The Edge is my soulmate.  Why, therefore, have I been unable to listen to U2?  Because he loved them too – in fact, he has been to more concerts and knows more minutiae about them than I do.  He does not, as far as I know, believe that The Edge is his soulmate, but you get the picture. So what?  I love them, they get to stay mine.
  1. Top Chef
  • I am not really a reality TV kind of girl, but I adore Top Chef.  I’ve seen every episode (Before and After him thankyouverymuch) and know way more about chef’s personal lives than, well, is strictly necessary.  I don’t know why I love this show so much, but something about the combination of food and drama really works for me.  One of the main things we bonded about while we were flirting our way into this relationship two years ago, was dissecting every nuance of Top Chef, and while we were together I would save the episodes for us to watch and obsesses about together.  Top Chef Masters just started and so far I have not been able to watch.  I’ve tried, but turned it off quickly when I got sad.  No more – these ridiculously dramatic culinary adventures will NOT have themselves – and it gets to stay mine too!
  1. Gulfstream
  • This is one of my favorite restaurants, and we used to go here at least weekly.  One of our favorite things to do was sit out on the patio and watch the Newport Beach mating rituals, giggling behind our wine glasses.  We had favorite dishes to share and favorite servers, and the whole thing was special, but now it’s mine.  Stay out, please, no more #1 Ahi Tuna Burgers for him until he thinks about what he’s done.

Here are a few things that he gets to keep, I’m surrendering them willingly, don’t say I wasn’t generous.

  1. Top Gear

I tried – god knows, but I do not get this show.  Boys and cars – yeah, sexist but whatever.  I erased the timer from my DVR and can happily live the rest of my life without it.

  1. The Aquarium

I like penguins as much as the next guy, but I think I’ll probably never go here again.  I used to meet him and his son here so often that I bought an annual pass, which I now just write off as a necessary expense in healing.

  1. Kiki

He gets to keep this one too – he fancies himself the type of guy who is with the type of girl that wants to wear these things and play these games.  Maybe he is that guy, but I am not that girl, and now I don’t have to pretend to be anymore

There are hundreds of things that trigger memories that make me laugh or cry, and there probably will be for a long time.  It’s a process – so far I’m processing just fine.

A

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