Giant step backwards…

Why do I do stupid things over and over?  Here’s the text from an email I sent my friend Lisa this morning:

Still on for lunch? Let’s do something greasy and gross, because… hangover.
Also, if you need to call or text me use work cell, because… drunk texting was bad, so phone is off to avoid the inevitable horrible response.

Lunch topic… what the f*&^ is wrong with me?

I should not be allowed out on school nights, and I should not be allowed access to my phone, which should have a breathalyzer attached to it before it unlocks.

It was a fun night and I didn’t do anything destructive, but I did text hewhoshallnotbenamed at some point, and it feels like a kick in the stomach – I feel like I’ve slipped  back 10 feet and I hate it.  This person, whom I hate, practically destroyed me, and left me in the most vulnerable situation I’ve ever been in to entirely deal with the loss myself.  He just never showed up when I was in the hospital, and he’s a horrible person.  And I drink a little, and blow my strength and reserve, and now he knows I love him and miss him.  Stupid!!!

All right, enough with the flogging, it sucks but it’s over and I can’t do anything about it now.  So naturally I’ve turned over a new leaf and resolved to take advil before bed never do that again.

Just for fun, here’s a list of the things I have eaten and drank today (so far) to feel better about my shit:

–        Coffee

–        Full sugar Gatorade

–        Greek yogurt

–        Starbucks cinnamon swirl coffee cake

–        Cuban pork sandwich

–        French Fries

–        Strawberry Smoothie

Ugh, enough already, back when I’m not suicidal.

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