One of my friends asked me yesterday why I started a blog. I gave him the short answer, low level narcissism, but it’s certainly more complex than that. It’s about trying to find a connection again. I’ve had a very hard time with this breakup. There were many reasons to let go of him, and many stories that I could have told the Brothers Grimm and they would have responded with “No way!” but in truth there are a hundred more stories that I could tell that would better illustrate the great relationship we had. I loved him for over two years, which is not what most people would call an epic, but it was a mostly really great two years. He was (probably still is) funny, and smart, and we had an instant connection. It actually scared me how fast and how deep it went, and at some point he became the person that I told everything to. It was almost like it wasn’t happening unless I was sharing it with him, and to lose that was a lot like losing myself.
For awhile after we broke up I just withdrew. I stayed busy and stayed social, but my heart was not in it, and I spent most of my time out wanting to go back in. There is something telling in the fact that I could not tell my family about my loss, but I wrote about it on the world wide web and then sent them a link. Cowardly? Maybe. It’s been the best I can do. I am realizing that this blog experiment is about connection, and about being vulnerable, and about showing who I really am. I can write about those things, and still sprinkle in a couple of super realistic stories about my total real-life boyfriend Daniel Craig, and feel like I’m connecting with someone, somewhere, and start to feel whole again.