“A girl should be two things: who and what she wants.” Coco Chanel

I have a new hobby and it is living vicariously through someone I have never met.  This person, named Maria, used to have the number that I now have for my work cell phone, and has not been very diligent about keeping her contacts updated with her new number.

Here’s what I know about Maria so far:

–        She is quite the late night entertainer.  In the past four months I have received random booty call (is that still what they are called?  Because I’m 100) texts from 3-4 different guys- one named Carlos, the others assume she knows who they are – asking if she is “up for anything” around 11ish.  Now, obviously I’m just jealous of this, nobody ever wants to know if I’m “up for anything.”  Probably because everyone knows I’m not, but still, it’s nice to be asked.

–        She is on a LOT of pre-order lists for upcoming concerts.  This is very helpful, because I often miss announcements that Snoop Dogg and 50 Cent are in town, and that is a shame.  But I’m all up to date now, so if anyone has any questions, feel free to ask me, I have the hookup.

–        She is not balancing her checkbook.  I mean, I’m assuming, because the nice people at Chase, Dr. Winter’s office, Bank of America and, weirdly, a dog groomer’s place have all called to politely remind me that they have not seen their payments for the past 8 – 12 months.  Lately those calls have changed into collection agency calls, unsurprisingly.

It’s a work cell phone, and we have operations 24/7, and if someone gets hurt or there is an emergency, I am the 2nd call.  This means, I can’t really turn the phone off, which is great, because I’m now fielding all of her calls and texts.  The best part is how suspicious people sound when I tell them I’m not Maria – like it’s all an elaborate ruse to get out of paying for that well woman exam.  The greatest indicator so far of how shut down my life is right now is the amount of enjoyment I get out of this whole thing.

Maybe it’s time to get a life again.

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