“Rules for Happiness: something to do, someone to love, something to hope for.” Immanuel Kant

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Wow, depression is a bitch. It’s been a very hard couple of weeks for several reasons that are too boring to share, but hopefully I am coming out of it, at least a little. I wish my weirdo body was not so sensitive to drugs so that I could take something, like literally everyone else I know, but I can’t. So, I’ve been trying to get through it with exercise and vitamins and generally giving myself a really hard time about being a human being. At least I’m sleeping, which is a big deal. I have been doing neuro feedback to help with the sleeping, but I think it’s making me have no patience, because I see my anxiety spike after I visit the doctor. I had a friend describe that as “being a raging bitch” last week, but we’ll go with impatient. Who knows what is happening there – I secretly worry slash kind of hope that they are turning me into a government assassin, a la Sidney Bristow, which would be awesome, amiright? But probably… no.

I had a free day yesterday – so no plans, just resting to fight off a cold, football, the Golden Globes (yay Homeland!), making coconut ice cream (delicious), reading and a long run. Football was crazy, and every team I even remotely like is now sitting at home waiting for next year. Even though I hate Pete Carroll, as per my tuition agreement with UCLA, I was hoping that Seattle would win because at least they are interesting. I think the important thing to remember is that it’s really close to baseball spring training, and it’s all going to be fine. It was a good day, and I needed it to prepare for a busy week. I have a work trip for training, and then my parents are in town for a big family party this weekend, so it will be hectic but good.

So, depression subsiding, and I am happily left with some peace. I am through with anger, for myself or anyone else, with blame, with pressuring myself to be over things, and am just okay being where I am. Information is good, but information is not answers, and those I still need to figure out for myself.

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