“Her little butterfly soul fluttered incessantly between memory and dubious expectation.” George Eliot

swim

This happened. I was sitting in my office hard at work on a to-do list (which is my go-to exercise when I do not actually want to-do anything) when a guy I work with walked in and said ‘do you like chicken feet?’ It took me a good 20 seconds to try and understand what he actually asked me, because why would he ask me if I like chicken feet? I tried to clarify with ‘do I like chicken feet to do what?’ – which I thought was pretty clever, but he was deadly serious. They were going out to lunch for chicken feet, and they were sweet enough to invite me. Yes, feet of a chicken. Let me say that again – chicken feet. I declined, and not really politely, especially when he went on to explain that they still have fingernails. There is part of me that thinks they just say these things to mess with me. If so, they are quite successful. Instead, I met my friend Lisa and we ate Kobe burgers and they were delicious. And (as far as I could tell) there were zero fingernails, so bonus there.

I am quite exhausted. This happens when I deliberately pack my schedule so full that I think I will not have any time to worry and ruminate. I’m sure it is evident to everyone who is not me, but this does not work. What it does do, is just put off the anxiety until I am finally alone, which is then the middle of the night, so the result is no sleep. This makes things worse, and the beat goes on. Anyway, I need to make some decisions, and they are not small ones. I am not really the kind of person who struggles with this normally, but for some reason I am having a hard time. I have spent too long clinging to the side of the pool, and I’m terrified to just go swim. I spent some time yesterday with a good friend, who was kind enough, when I exploded out of nowhere with tears and paroxysms of “what is wrong with me” to not respond with “this is what is wrong with you, you rapid, cycling psychotic” and for that I am grateful. I know what I need to do, I just need a minute to do it. Stop pushing me in the pool, life, I like to crawl down the ladder.

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