Here’s a fun little game to play, it’s called “where did my cat poop today?” The rules are pretty easy, you just follow the smell to a new and unexpected part of the house that Scully decided was his personal toilet and then spend the next thirty minutes cleaning the carpet. You might think to first check out his perfectly clean and functional litter box, but you are an idiot, because that is way too obvious. This is not a game for children, if you aren’t going to put any effort into it, just don’t play. He does pee in there, thank god, but he saves the good stuff for our game. Someone I know who spends too much time on Pinterest told me that if your cat goes outside the litter box you should cover the area with foil because cats apparently hate foil. Well, this might be true, but I do not have this much foil. The area he most uses is right by the front door, presumably so he can watch me step in it as soon as I walk in and laugh his ass off. This morning I opened my door to leave and my neighbor was walking by and watched me try get out of the house without having foil stick out the door, so he probably thinks that I am insane and/or attempting to contact extraterrestrials.
I get it, Scully, I left you for two weeks to traipse the world and never thought about you once. I paid someone to come in and make sure you were alive every other day, but otherwise you were all by your little self. I am sorry. You were right, I should have brought you with me. But let’s get over it now, can we?