Are you kidding me with these?

Even Rilke refuses to advise me today. Also, Google is being judgmental – I don’t really need to see “You’ve visited this page many times” when I type something in. What’s it to you, Google? It might as well say “Go ahead and get a life you egocentric jackass”

A few months ago I started dating again. By “dating” of course, I mean went on two dates. With two different people, so now you understand the pluralism in my writing. I was also on two different dating websites (two is a big thing for me) but I never actually met up with anyone. Online dating is really not my forte. There is something terrifying about it, and it doesn’t help that I am truly convinced that it will never work. I am so tired of people pointing out that they met online – I get it, you are socially functional. Congratulations. But deep down, I know that this is not going to be the way I meet someone. I was on two sites, but would forget to look at them for days at a time. I actually corresponded a few times with several different people. All correspondence stopped abruptly when each of them emailed me their phone number and said something insane like “Hey, call me this weekend if you are bored.”

Um, no. First, I am never bored. Well, mostly never, but not bored enough to dial a guy’s phone number and talk. Second, I hate talking on the phone. Hate. I have talked before about my secret agent phone voice. Talking on the phone is like water torture for me. Weirdly, I don’t even know how to talk on the phone. As far as I can tell, phone talking is just a never ending nightmare of me speaking at exactly the same time as the other person and then trying to get off the phone. “So, anyway, I am going into a tunnel” And whatever mojo I had built up with my sparkling witty email banter would immediately vanish, so no, I am not going to “call you this weekend.”

One guy seemed promising. He emailed me one morning and asked to meet for lunch. I liked the bypassing the phone thing, so I decided I would, but couldn’t that day. I suggested another day, two or three days out, and never heard from him again. So apparently that was some kind of “one day only” type of offer. I am quite sure I missed out. Needless to say, I have resigned from the online dating world, disabling my accounts and trying to wipe the memory from my brain. For several reasons, I have lately stalled entirely on the dating idea, but realized that I had made a stupid goal to go on one more date by July 1. I even told some people about it, accountability, and despite all my best efforts, July 1 seems to be just around the corner but I have no prospects. Out of desperation I lifted my head from my Kindle three times today at Rubio’s to try some eye contact, but nothing. So fingers crossed I find some nice tallish nerdy man who likes superhero movies, enjoys awkward social experiences and feels like grabbing a coffee in the next two weeks so I can check that off the sad little list.

Unrelated – why do they make Watermelon Oreos? Because, really? I’m fascinated. Not, you know, buy them with money and try them fascinated, but interested.