This has been quite a challenging week I have to say. I am so happy to have a few days off, I really feel like I need it. I think the thing that I have learned very clearly this week is that if you truly, deep down, do not want answers, then you should not ask the questions. Because it is so different, I am finding out, to actually know the truth rather than just feeling it or worrying about it. Things I have assumed for a long time but could somehow comfort myself with the thought that I don’t know if they were real, are now very real, and there is no way to stop yourself from just rolling down that hill into feeling that everything was fake. Being fairly egocentric, I can quickly imagine elaborate scenarios designed to hurt me, even if there were not. People who are not emotionally reckless will no doubt glean immediately that the only way through something is to deal with it head on. But no one asked anyone who isn’t emotionally reckless so keep your no-duh b.s. to yourself, thanks. Don’t need no hateration in this dancery. So I have no idea what might happen next or even what I want, but I feel differently, so that is something.
Today is looking decidedly up, though, as I am feeling optimistic about something totally unrelated and unexpected that has the potential to change everything for me. I did a little happy dance earlier, literally jumped up and down and clapped my hands like a 3 year old being offered ice cream. I was immediately reminded of how long it had been since I was happy or optimistic about anything, and I realized that I miss it. I am tired of being confused, and worn out, and hesitant and careful. I am trying to just be happy for a while, to get my head around the fact that good and great things can happen to me. When I was a kid I had a book called “Believing in Yourself, the story of Louis Pasteur” which of course was my favorite book because why wouldn’t it be? It is totally normal for 8 year olds to obsess about how the cure for rabies was discovered, right? I like to be prepared. Anyway, don’t kid yourself, I still have it, and I’m still trying.