This would be better than here

I had a mammogram last week, because I’m really old. At the end of it, the nice lady with the scrubs told me that I would get a postcard if everything is fine and a phone call if they had any issues. This is not a great thing to say to me. I am the world’s most suspicious life form, I make Alexander Haig seem carefree. So naturally every time my phone has buzzed in the past week I’ve thought “cancer.” I almost forgot about it though, until yesterday at 4:30 when my phone actually did buzz and it actually was the hospital. The nicest person in the world told me in the nicest way possible that I need to come back to take more tests “but it is probably nothing to worry about.” Now, there is absolutely no way in hell to deliver that news without someone freaking out. It’s just not possible. Also, telling me to come in at 8 the next morning does not feel like there is “probably nothing to worry about.” It feels more like “you might be dead by Friday, have a nice evening.”

Just like any normal human being, I spent the evening googling every stage of having and then dying a horrible death from breast cancer. Obviously. With images. That’s normal, right? I also made a cocktail or three with muddled basil and cucumber (delicious) just to shake things up a bit, but somehow I don’t think I slept even ten minutes.

So I spent this morning back at the nice hospital with the nice ocean views, where they have apparently gone out and found the world’s nicest people and trained them to be technicians. Another mammogram showed something but hard to see, a 3D mammogram showed something but we don’t know what and then an ultrasound showed something, but we’re pretty sure it’s cysts. Pretty sure doesn’t cut it with me. But also thankfully doesn’t cut it with them, so they did not stop until they were more than pretty sure and I think I’m okay. At one point the radiologist said “the thing is, you have really dense breasts” and I immediately chirped “I know, right?” for some reason I will never understand. He looked really confused but there you go. Awkward.

My favorite part of this morning of fun was after the second set of “we don’t know what is growing inside your body” scans, when I started crying a little. The nicest tech on earth came over to rub my shoulder and tell me I would be okay and then said “do you want me to call him?” and showed me that I have not updated my emergency contact with this hospital. Which is hideously ironic, since the only two times I’ve ever actually had an emergency in my life, having an emergency contact didn’t work out too well for me. At least it made me laugh, in that gallows humor kind of way and I said “no, thanks, I’ll just die alone” and she said “well you have a plan.” Seriously, they are the nicest people on earth. I’m hoping to sleep 11 hours tonight, starting very soon.