some Universal Truths

1.  Every bathroom in every Barnes and Noble, is going to be filthy.  Why?  I don’t know, but they always are.  Also, there is always a clipboard behind the door that shows the day by hours, and some loopy initials that checked off that the place was spotless 8 minutes earlier.  Hey, maybe the person in charge of cleaning didn’t see that enormous pile of feminine product wrappers, toilet paper, and gum.  Maybe they are blind, and then if so… let me amend this to say that every bathroom in every Barnes and Noble is incredibly clean, when you consider that they employ blind people to take care of them.  Nicely done, B&N.

2.  If the Dodgers are having a bad year (this happens occasionally) and the Angels are having a good year, and the Angels make the playoffs, you will hear a lot of Dodger fans say things like this:

“Well, if the Dodgers are out, I’ll root for the Angels.  You know, because they are right here”

If the situation is reversed, you will simply NEVER hear an Angel fan say the same thing.  Why?  Again, I don’t know, (please stop looking to me to give you all the answers) but let’s just assume that you can never underestimate the crippling power of an inferiority complex and leave it at that.

3.  If someone is on a dating website and their profile picture is themselves, awkwardly holding up a blackberry to a mirror, well then that obviously means they have no friends at all and are probably a serial killer with some kind of skin suit in their white van.  Here’s a little tip – go somewhere even marginally interesting, give your camera to a nice looking out of towner , and ask them to take your picture.  Really, problem solved, and I’m not sure why I even have to tell you this.  I’m not actually trying to make it easier for serial killers to get dates here, but you get the picture.

4.  If a guy tells you that his ex is “crazy”, put your cute new kickers on and get the hell away from him as fast as your little legs can run.  It is extremely rare for someone to be actually crazy (you know, clinical like), so usually that means one of two things:

  • He made her crazy.  I am an ex, all of my friends are exes, most people I know are exes in some fashion, and none of us are crazy.  However, if you take a little snapshot of us pre-breakup, well then sure.  Because it is crazy that we want you be kind and considerate and stumble upon the truth even occasionally.  Yep, crazy.   OR…
  • He likes them crazy.  And you are about to see a shitstorm of drama designed to make you as crazy as the ex; because ultimately, that’s how he rolls.  This is probably worse.  Why are you still here?  I told you to run.


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